Suffering.  Inner anguish that no one can see.  Pain that goes beyond what words can express.  Longing to make some sense out of the dreams that never came true.
Yes, June has been hard.  Maybe these few weeks have felt so strange because I thought I was supposed to be in England with Anne.  Maybe because my life, my husband’s life, my children’s lives are looking different than what I had always thought they would look like.  
SOOOOOO,  I’ve been at home, quietly taking care of little, inconsequential things, and the time has been passing rather slowly.  I have filled many hours reading a wonderful book called “Now I lay down my Isaac” by Carol Kent.  She got a call in the middle of the night saying that her only son, a lovely, responsible, caring young man, had been arrested for first degree murder.  It’s the true story of her faith walk.  She talks about suffering in such a fresh way.  She talked about Jacob, in the Old Testament, who stayed up all night to wrestle with God, because he wanted a blessing from God.  He limped the rest of his life, but he HAD MET WITH THE LORD AND SEEN HIS GLORY.    She said that our limps may be internal, and no one can see them.  We ARE limping, but we have seen God’s glory.  And it is so worth it.  
WOW.  It’s just so rich to be sitting here, filled with the pain of so much difficulty, but knowing that through all of this, we will be drawn close to the Lord.  We will learn to rely on His strength and His JOY.. And it will be worth it all because we will have seen glimpses of His glory along the way.  
And then the words of the song we’re preparing for the August Special Service at Midway come to mind.  It’s called Beautiful Things.  
All this pain.  I wonder if I’ll ever find my way. 
I wonder if my life could really change at all.
All this earth, could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground at all?
YOU make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust.
YOU make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us.
YOU make me new
YOU are making me new. 
I want my heart response to be ‘Yes, Lord’.  Whatever you have for our family, please teach us.  Don’t let us waste any of this pain.   Let every lesson be learned well.  Let every tenderness from Your Hand be delighted in, and given back to You for Your ultimate glory.  Yes Lord, I worship You.  

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